Currently feeling:Lonely
Currently listening to:Evanescence's My immortal
Currently eating/drinking:Nothing

So, it starts.

I'm feeling pretty lonely today. I'm not sure why, maybe because Dad is back from out of town, it means i wont have as much time to talk to people. Well not until my own computer is sorted anyway.


Yesterday was odd....I speant almost all night talking to Andrew. Damn he's a sweetie.
But...maybe that's not a good thing. It just brings up the fact that i don't have anything like that. It reminds me how lonely i really feel.

And do you know what the most stupid thing of all is?
The fact that i don't even know what i want. I am not looking for Anybody...when Antony wanted me to talk about things i didn't, and it's not like i really want a relationship...but i kinda of do too. I'm sick of being alone. I truly am, and that is how i feel. Alone.


Even friendship doesn't help. I mean, think about it. My best friend lives 200 miles away. For christ sake..she used to live WITH me, until she moved away again. I miss her. She's pretty much a sister to me. Thats what we call each other anyway...'soul sisters'. She's asked me to be the aunt to her baby. Aunty Phil...*sigh*


The closest thing i have to that are some of you guys. Nora, Chris, Stitch, Andrew...I mean, me Nora and Chris even have a theme song. 3 Libra's by A Perfect Circle. I have a song with Dan too....


Sean screwed me up too much and the worst problem i have is trusting anybody. I gave Sean everything and he was everything to me. He threw away 7 years of friendship, he lied about me, and i fell into his lies and was swallowed by them. (Hence the username) He tired to destroy every one of my friendships (He succeeded in most) but most of all he tried to take Dan away. I'm afraid....I don't want it to happen again. Sean destoyed me, i thought of him as a brother and it felt as if i had been betrayed by a member of my family when he turned away. I can't let people here get close to me...It will just be the same..


That is why i don't trust, because when the person you trust most turns away you get too afraid to trust the people you have doubts about.

Maybe it's stupid. I don't care.I feel it anyway.

I wish people could understand me, my reasons, everything...but maybe that is too much to as...

*Sigh* I need to get away...

Welcome to my inner most thoughts...

Phil xxx